Naked | Page 5 of 179

Author: David Sedaris | Submitted by: Maria Garcia | 209859 Views | Add a Review

Few books are only available in 'with images' version.

r asked if she might visit with my mother, I touched my nose eight times to the surface of my desk.

“May I take that as a ‘yes’?” she asked.

According to her calculations, I had left my chair twenty-eight times that day. “You’re up and down like a flea. I turn my back for two minutes and there you are with your tongue pressed against that light switch. Maybe they do that where you come from, but here in my classroom we don’t leave our seats and lick things whenever we please. That is Miss Chest-nut’s light switch, and she likes to keep it dry. Would you like me to come over to your house and put my tongue on your light switches? Well, would you?”

I tried to picture her in action, but my shoe was calling. Take me off, it whispered. Tap my heel against your forehead three times. Do it now, quick, no one will notice.

“Well?” Miss Chestnut raised her faint, penciled eye-brows. “I’m asking you a question. Would you or would you not want me licking the light switches in your house?”

I slipped off my shoe, pretending to examine the imprint on the heel.

“You’re going to hit yourself over the head with that shoe, aren’t you?”

It wasn’t “hitting,” it was tapping; but still, how had she known what I was about to do?

“Heel marks all over your forehead,” she said, answering my silent question.

“You should take a look in the mirror sometime. Shoes are dirty things.

We wear them on our feet to protect ourselves against the soil. It’s not healthy to hit ourselves over the head with shoes, is it?”

I guessed that it was not.

“Guess? This is not a game to be guessed at. I don’t ‘guess’ that it’s dangerous to run into traffic with a paper sack over my head. There’s no guesswork involved. These things are facts, not riddles.” She sat at her desk, continuing her lecture as she penned a brief letter. “I’d like to have a word with your mother. You do have one, don’t you? I’m assuming you weren’t raised by animals. Is she blind, your mother? Can she see the way you behave, or do you reserve your antics exclusively for Miss Chestnut?” She handed me the folded slip of paper. “You may go now, and on your way out the door I’m asking you please not to bathe my light switch with your germ-ridden tongue. It’s had a long day; we both have.”

It was a short distance from the school to our rented house, no more than six hundred and thirty-seven steps, and on a good day I could make the trip in an hour, pausing every few feet to tongue a mailbox or touch whichever single leaf or blade of grass demanded my attention. If I were to lose count of my steps, I’d have to return to the school and begin again. “Back so soon?”

the janitor would ask. “You just can’t get enough of this place, can you?”

He had it all wrong. I wanted to be at home more than anything, it was getting there that was the problem.

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Alice
Great book, nicely written and thank you BooksVooks for uploading

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